“Which of the blessings of your Lord will ye deny?” - Qur’an

 [This post was in response to the previous post “Sex and the Muslim Ummah” by Brother Amad in MuslimMatters.org. This advice given by Sister Ummaziza is very important. Please check the original website for references, insha’Allah:  http://muslimmatters.org/2007/06/26/sex-the-muslim-ummah-part-1/#comment-7474]

By: Ummaziza on July 23rd, 2007
at 12:37 pm

***For Mothers!***

As salaamu alaiykum:

Thank you Br. Amad for starting this topic, I would like to add my advice here if I may.

We have the absolute responsibility to teach our children their religion, no one disputes this. In my opinion, it is impossible to fully educate them about their religion without talking to them about critical issues that are not the responsibility of the television, friends, internet or billboards.

If we don’t teach them the right way, the Shaitan will teach them the wrong way (may Allah protect us and them)!

Here are some things to consider when debating about whether to teach your child about menstruation and sex:

-With the amount of exposure to nudity and sexual content we all get these days, it is important for mothers (especially) to teach their daughters how to handle things. To have them know about their bodies and not be afraid of the changes that occur. They must also not think of themselves as purely sexual objects, yet fully understand their “power” as women and how to use that in the proper context to get rewards and not curses from Allah. Chances are, the man she marries will have a tremendous amount of exposure and knowledge (with expectations and fantasies) that she will be totally incapable of handling (or satisfying). Gone are the days when a little lipstick was enough to keep a husband’s gaze restrained to his wife!

-The average nine year old has questions about where babies come from, why Mom beautifies herself for her husband, why some of her friends have started “sitting outside of the masjid”…etc.

-It is impossible for the child to be prepared for salat and clean without knowledge of menstruation…to tell them “the day it becomes necessary” is very unfair and overwhelming I feel

- Lesbianism and “same-sex sexual play” amongst young people is very rampant EVERYWHERE nowadays (I say that without reservation), if the child knows the biological purpose of the “tickly feelings” they may experience while in the company of others, they will, inshaAllah, not get caught up in haram play to explore the feeling more or get confused about why it occurs

-Once children are comfortable coming to you to talk about their issues (because you opened the lines of communication), it will help strengthen your relationship and life-long bond inshaAllah.

-It is very necessary to educate boys and girls about what to do if an adult (or older child) tries to touch them inappropriately. Child sexual abuse is a problem all around the world and has been for ages, and while we may feel comfortable having our young child around “uncle” or “sister” so and so, it is easy to forget that it occurs. Warning your child about what is not okay for someone to do or say to them is very necessary.

================================
Here is the timeline I suggest for girls:

-Age Ten
Taharah and Menstruation (when salat is required and puberty may begin)

-At Menstruation -or- Once You See Her “Taking a Second Look”
.Sex (when she can actually become pregnant and may have hormonal urges)
.Modesty (the angels have begun to write)

-Before Marriage
.How to please her husband

===============================
Here is how to get started.

By Age Nine-For Girls

1. Purchase a book for yourself on puberty and reproduction, read it (don’t give it to your child of course) to brush up on the science behind things and the proper terminology (the last thing you want to do is give things “cutesy” names that might add undue curiosity).

2. Purchase a book on tahara and do the same thing.

3. Make isthikara about approaching your child.

4. Plan to sit down with your child at regular intervals to have “hygiene talks” (you know the breadth and depth of what you will discuss but the child doesn’t have to). You can tell them you will have such talks on Sunday mornings…and that this is also the time they can come to you with follow-up questions.

5. “Hygiene Lessons” format - explain the following in detail:

a. Wudu

b. Proper way to clean after using the bathroom

c. Changes that will come soon…
-pubic hair (tell how and when to remove)
-menses (emphasize how to clean after)
-hormones (need for deodorant, how to handle mood-swings, “tickly feelings” etc.)

d. Why the changes in your body must occur…
-female anatomy (eggs, uterus)
***here (if her menses has not started) just state that Allah puts the baby in the married woman’s tummy when He wants her to have a child***

e. ghusl
-state only the reasons the unmarried person would need to (i.e. Friday, after menses) leave janaaba for later

f. siwak (need for good dental hygiene)
-please dont forget to teach them to brush the tongue (number one cause for bad breath)

6. Do hygiene checks ever so often with rewards for her when she does things properly

7. Watch your child to see how this information is being processed, so that you will know how to proceed later.

8. Be prepared to answer questions but don’t be afraid to say “We’ll talk about that in a couple of months”.

Later, once she reaches puberty you can begin with review of female anatomy, move to male anatomy, overview of genetics and dna.

Hopefully, the coming years/months will be easy for you to handle and make the “talks” progressively intense depending on the child’s maturity and curiosity level.

Islam has so much wisdom that once you’ve laid this foundation, everything else will fit together amazingly well inshaAllah.

May Allah help us make the right decisions for raising our children and giving them the proper knowledge of their purpose and of their responsibilities toward Allah (swt). Ameen